Saudade
by evilexboyfriend
Summary: Thor finds Loki on earth after he tries to fling himself from the bridge. HIPSTER/MIDGARDIAN AU. Warnings for pseudo-incest, foul language, angsty Loki and explicit content in later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**_Saudade;_**_ "The feeling of longing for something or someone that you love and which is lost."  
_  
**Fandom**- Thor (HIPSTER/MIDGARDIAN AU)  
**Ship-** Thor/Loki  
**Rating:** NC-17 (not necessarily in this chapter)  
**Warnings-** sex in upcoming chapters, foul language, mentions of drugs and alcohol, mentions of suicide attempts, mentions of Odin being a dickhead.  
**Summary;** prompted by 'Thor finds Loki on earth after he tries to fling himself from the bridge.'

Damn, I'm sorry I've been dead on here for a while! I have exams and all that jazz going on, but after that I'll be on here much more; especially now I've broken my foot and have lots more time to lie around!  
Okay, so here's my contribution to the hipster Thor/Loki movement. Tell me what you think.

* * *

The young man moved like smoke; graceful, quick. He was light and dark simultaneously. His endless legs merged with those of the others around him. His head was tilted back, flashing lights throwing shapes across the contours of his white face, playing shadows under high cheekbones in hollow cheeks. His eyes were shut as he let the deafening music soak through his being like the straight alcohol that had set in, burnt his throat and set his veins alight.

Thor knew what those eyes looked like, though. They were pale green and bright and dead and they blazed with no moral compass to temper the emerald flames.  
His hair was jet black and had grown to the base of his neck, swept back, but the dancing had freed it from its form and strands fell in loose waves in front of his face.

His eyes opened and through the haze of whatever he had taken, and through the writhing mass of people, they settled on Thor and the illusion was shattered. Loki's expression fell no short of icy and without hesitation he turned, melting into the sweating crowd, and he disappeared. His eyes flicked left and right, and then he spotted someone tall and thin, clad in black jeans and a green check shirt slip out of the door. Thor groaned, barging through the drunken dancers in pursuit of his brother, the cold outside air hitting his hot skin like a slap.

He saw him sat on the curb of a pavement, breath creating shimmering clouds. With long, shaking fingers he drew a cigarette and a white lighter from the back pocket of his jeans. He didn't look up as Thor's footsteps neared and he sat down beside him. Loki flicked the lighter once, twice, but he trembled too much and cursed the thing under his breath. Thor gently took it from his hands, sparking it with ease and lighting Loki's cigarette for him, placing the lighter down at his feet. They said nothing for a while; Loki smoking and Thor watching. After several minutes, Loki's shaking lessened until it could have been simply put down to the cold.

To Thor's shock, his brother spoke first. "Why are you here, Thor?"

It was detached, unfriendly, and for a moment Thor couldn't conjure an answer.

"To bring you home," he eventually said. It wasn't a demand or an order, but a plea.

The younger man smirked, said; "I'm fine here."

"Here as in, on the side of a road outside a grimy nightclub?" Loki didn't reply and Thor winced, wondering if he'd messed it up already.

"London," Loki said after a bit. It was clear he did not want to talk; his replies clipped and he still hadn't looked at Thor. Thor glanced down at his own hands; pink and scarred here and there. He scratched the stubble on his chin with chewed nails and tucked a couple of long, blond hairs behind his left ear.

Carefully, he said; "The last time I saw you-"

"Thor-" Loki still didn't face him, but he shifted uncomfortably.

"The last time I saw you, you were about to jump off that bridge."

"I know, Thor," Loki said quietly.

"I thought I'd lost you."

"I _know_, Thor."

"I'm glad I didn't lose you."

"You only have yourself to thank."

Loki fell silent. He felt Thor's eyes upon him and finally he lifted his head and looked. Thor was frowning anxiously, biting his lip as though chewing on his next words. He said slowly,

"You should… set things right… with mum. And dad-"

Loki snorted incredulously, standing before Thor had finished his sentence, sourly saying, "_Fuck you,_Thor-", but Thor leapt up and grabbed his wrist as he turned to leave, fingers wrapping all the way round, gripping until Loki stopped trying to wriggle free and just stood still.

"Loki, Loki, please."

With a heavy sigh and a drag on his cigarette, Loki slowly relaxed and Thor let go of his arm, instead lifting his hand to cup Loki's face, running his fingers over his cheekbone, brushing his thumb over a patch under Loki's right eye. Loki averted his gaze and dropped his cigarette, watching as the embers glowed, then faded.

"_Brother_," Thor breathed. Loki smiled menacingly.

"Don't start with the brother thing, Thor," he said, not angry; just tired. "We're not."

Thor stilled his hand but did not drop it and when he spoke his voice was hard.

"We were raised as brothers, Loki. Being adopted does not matter; I know you as a brother-"

"Brothers don't do as we've done," Loki looked him in the eyes for the first time; stare cold and unyielding. "Not normal brothers. Whether in blood or in bond, we have _never_ been _brothers_, Thor."

Thor's brow creased and he looked as though he might've said something, but instead, and in one quick motion, he brought his hand round to the back of Loki's skull and gently pulled his head forward, crushing his lips under his own. Loki stiffened visibly, before gradually melding into Thor's touch, then kissing him back. He changed the kiss; claimed it, turned it into something angry, nipping at Thor's lower lip, gasping out words in between breaks for air.

_I hate you. _  
_Thor- _  
_I'm sorry. _  
_Your fault. _  
_Brother._

Thor pushed their bodies back until Loki's spine connected with the wall of the club and Loki kissed fiercely with an open mouth, coaxing Thor's tongue past his teeth as he slipped his tongue into Thor's mouth and they kissed for what felt like years. They closed their eyes and Thor moved his hands down Loki's arms, entwining their fingers and pinning him against the cold brick.

It was Loki who broke away first, and wordlessly, letting go of only one of Thor's hands, he lead them both back into the club. Thor felt the bass rattle through his bones and his eyes took a moment to adjust and Loki's hand slipped from his, his brother melting back into the crowd. Thor didn't lose sight of him, though, and Loki's eyes were still on his; dark, tempting, inviting. Thor followed. The song changed to something Thor hadn't heard before- not that he'd ever heard much of this techno noise. It was faster, heavier, and when Thor reached him Loki pressed his back against Thor's front and danced against him, the strobe lights capturing flash-photos of his pale face as he closed his eyes.

* * *

_TBC_


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N:_ How quick is this update? Told you I'm alive. Properly planned this all out now; expect seven chapters and maybe a happy ending, maybe a not so happy ending...

* * *

Thor peeled open his eyes.

The sun was painfully bright and he groaned, turning back over in his bed. No- not _his_ bed. Something solid and warm stopped him rolling all the way and he twisted his head to see Loki asleep next to him. The expression on his face was soft, albeit marred by dark shadows under his long-lashed eyes. Thor smiled. He looked at peace.

Silently, Thor slipped from the covers, desperately trying not to disturb the rare illusion of serenity permeating his brother's unconscious form. He reached for the tee he was wearing last night, tugged it over his head and crept from Loki's room, donned in nothing but the shirt and his boxers. The cold floors nipped at his bare toes. Loki's apartment was small, and it took less than a minute to find the kitchen; and it was only until after he'd hunted down some _Cheerios_ and a spoon that he allowed himself to think properly.

He'd found Loki. Perhaps not in the more conventional way he'd hoped, but _hell_- Loki doesn't really do convention. And he'd found him alive, and by the looks of it, well. He had changed, clearly, but he seemed a touch more like the old Loki; not the suicidal, unstable mess Thor had last seen him as. There was still something sad about him, though, and Thor sighed. Now what? Did he stay here with Loki? Did Loki want him here? It was clear that any discussion of returning 'home' was off the table- for now, at least- but losing him again was not even an option. It would be ideal if, somehow, he convinced Loki to talk to their dad, and if not their dad then perhaps their mum, but, realistically, Thor knew that the damage done was irreparable. Loki was stubborn, and he'd made his contempt for their parents- _Thor's_ parents- crystal clear.

Thor jumped when he heard a cupboard door close behind him and he spun around to see Loki, wearing loungepants that hung low on his jutting hipbones, and a slightly baggy grey t-shirt advertising a band Thor had never heard of, glaring at a pack of aspirin and pouring himself a glass of water. Thor had always admired his brother's stealth.

"Morning," Thor said awkwardly.

"Is it?" Loki croaked; barely a whisper, and Thor bit back a smirk as he realised that Loki's voice had been taken by raw vodka and shouting over the music the night before. Then again, he never said much anyway, unless he needed to.

As though proving Thor's internal point, Loki glanced up at the cupboard above his head and Thor understood he demanded access. He moved aside and Loki stepped forwards on slightly wobbly legs, stretching up and grabbing two mugs. His top rode up to reveal a stretch of white skin, hips and the bottom of his rib cage and Thor averted his eyes, holding back a question on the younger man's eating habits. Loki stepped down from tiptoes and turned to a silver coffee machine that looked as though it was bought twenty years ago from Woolworths. Silently, he made two cups black coffee, and thrust one at Thor. Thor smiled, but Loki looked down at his feet, and said quietly;

"We didn't…?"

"No," Thor said straight away, and Loki's shoulders seemed to relax a little. "Not with you in that state. That wouldn't have been right."

Loki nodded and whispered; "Thank you," and Thor could tell he meant it. Loki _was_ a wreck in the club. Thor had no idea what had pulsed through his veins, but he knew it wasn't just the spirits he could taste on his tongue. After they had danced until their feet were near-bleeding they'd caught the underground back to Loki's apartment. Loki passed out on Thor's shoulder on the train, and Thor only knew where to go by checking if there was an address in Loki's wallet. He'd stumbled up three flights of stairs with his brother over his shoulder before he woke up again. Thor had then helped Loki totter up another lot of steps before they reached his flat. When they got inside they'd kissed some more, but Loki was laughing too hard over nothing in particular, and Thor rolled his eyes in mock-annoyance, until Loki went sort of green and staggered into the bathroom, collapsing over the toilet. Thor had held his hair back as most of that night came up in retches.

They were silent for a good ten minutes; sipping coffee and nursing hangovers with their fingers at their temples. Finally, Thor said;

"Loki, what are we going to do?"

"Finish our coffee."

"No, Loki, I mean-"

"I know what you mean, Thor," Loki cut him short and looked up to catch his brother's eyes. He shrugged. "Can we just have today, yeah?"

Thor smiled. "Yes."

* * *

They have the day. Thor hasn't been to London many times before, and Loki takes him all over his little section of it. And it is _his_. He lives just outside Soho and walks around like he owns the fucking place. Thor smiles as he watches Loki's face as Loki points out his favourite place to get band shirts, that retro furniture store he got his bedframe from, the best sushi in London that you can get for under ten quid. Something about the old Loki showed on his face. His eyes still didn't gleam with as much mischief like they did; his smile didn't reach quite as high, but the way he walked and the way he spoke reminded Thor of better days.

He took Thor by the hand and dragged him in to a dusty looking CD shop. He nodded to the man at the counter; a short, fat guy with a shorter buzz cut and practically no neck, wearing a black AC/DC t-shirt, and the man smiled a smile with thin lips and a gold tooth flashed.

"Max," Loki said, by way of greeting.

"Loki," the man by the name of Max replied. "You look like you've had a rough night," he had a heavy, hard-edged accent. Loki didn't answer. Max then turned his gaze to Thor and Thor suddenly felt as though he were in an x-ray machine, and terribly out of place. "Who's your friend?"

"My brother, Thor," Loki said. He did not let go of Thor's hand, and Thor wondered what Max thought of him. If he thought anything, he kept it to himself and just nodded, with that smile.

"Nice to meet you. You boys looking for anything in particular?"

Loki shook his head ever so slightly, and Max nodded and accepted the silence, lowering his eyes and a fat finger swiped over something. Thor realised he'd turned the page of a comic book. He turned to see that Loki was thumbing through a rack of Bon Iver CDs with his free hand. Thor laughed.

"You had all of these," he said. Loki glanced up.

"You looked at my CDs?"

"You had them back home," Thor explained.

"Oh," Loki said.

"I can get them back for you, if you want."

A ghost of a smile flickered across Loki's face, but he didn't verbalise a reply.

* * *

When they got back to Loki's flat their feet ached and their faces were flushed pink with the cold. They slumped down on Loki's sunken sofa and Thor ate a half-cooked vegetarian lasagne because it was all there was in the cupboards to eat, except a couple of apples, and it only took five minutes in the microwave. Loki just had one of those apples. They curl up, Loki in his oversized tee and low joggers, Thor in a pair of borrowed sweatpants Loki had bought three sizes too big by accident and one of his baggy t-shirts, which was still too small. Loki said they can go shopping for clothes tomorrow. Thor smiled to himself.

"Does this mean I'm staying?" he asked. Loki didn't reply and Thor didn't expect him to.

They turned on 28 Days Later because it used to be Loki's favourite and it was the only half-decent thing on TV, but Loki fell asleep less than half an hour in, so Thor switched the television off and gently scooped up his brother as though he were nothing but a feather. He slipped Loki under the covers of his bed and clambered in beside him, welcoming sleep when it came sooner than expected.

_TBC_


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: All kicks off next chapter muahahah, but for now have happy Thor and Loki. This chapter contains dirty filthy Norse boys (sex.)_

* * *

Thor had been staying for three weeks. He'd been back home, packed a bag, left a vague note about staying with a friend and comfortably slotted into Loki's London life. Nothing about their arrangement was exactly official. He didn't know if he was living with Loki. But he hadn't asked. Loki took Thor shopping for some more clothes. Everything around Soho was a bit strange and different to what Thor was used to, but they hunted down several mainstream stores and he came away with a decent haul of attire that he could probably wear for a month or two. He stacked Loki's cupboards and shelves with enough food to actually keep a human going.

"You're like a horse," he'd said in the middle of Lidl, on their third shopping trip on the 17th day of Thor staying. Loki turned around from facing a shelf of soap, frowning.

"What?"

"You're like a horse," Thor repeated. "All you eat is apples."

"That's not true."

"It's all I've seen you eat."

"That's because you're always glued to the television. You don't see anything else much at all. And you saw me have toast this morning."

"Toast, apples, vodka and black coffee isn't a balanced diet."

"And Pop-tarts, omelettes, vodka and black coffee is?" Loki quipped with a smirk. Thor smiled, but Loki could tell he was holding something back. He sighed.

"_What_?"

Thor shrugged.

"Nothing," he said, picking up four tubs of microwave rice. "You're just easy to worry about, that's all."

Loki placed a kiss on Thor's cheek and wandered round to the other side of the isle, calling back "Shall we get a McDonald's after this?"

Thor smiled.

* * *

The first Saturday Thor spent with Loki, he woke to an empty apartment. He crawled out of bed and peered in every room until he was certain Loki was out. He frowned, but just as he made for his mobile he heard the door shut. He stepped out into the hallway to see Loki wiping his boots on the doormat. Skinny legs in tight black jeans poked out from a long, dark grey overcoat. His jet hair was slicked back as usual, but damp with rain. Half of his face was shrouded by the huge, deep green scarf that wrapped at least three times around his neck. Thor almost laughed.

"Cold out?"

Loki actually smiled, unravelling the scarf just a little. "Get some clothes on," he said, gesturing to Thor, who was still wearing nothing both those sweatpants. "We're going out."

Thor blinked and glanced out the window. "Loki, it's _pouring_."

"We're not going for a hike, come on."

Thor rolled his eyes and slipped back into the bedroom, tugged on a pair of jeans, a shirt, his red checked zip-up fleece and some heavy boots. He tied his hair back in a low ponytail.

When he re-emerged Loki looked him up and down and chucked him an umbrella.

"Thor, it's _pouring_," he said with fake incredulity, turning on his heel and heading out the door. Thor glared and followed.

They sat in the café of the National Gallery, sipping black coffee and shrugging out of their coats. Loki was still wearing the t-shirt he wore to bed. He was staring at Thor, searching his soft, pink face, the blond stubble, the big, blue eyes. Thor smiled quizzically and a dimple appeared in his left cheek.

"What is it, brother?" he asked and Loki blinked, shaking his head. He liked how Thor said _brother_.

"Nothing," he said quietly. "You're just…"

He trailed off and Thor's smile grew wider.

"What?" he pressed. A deep pink flushed in the white hollows of Loki's cheeks and he looked up through black eyelashes. Thor looked straight at him and something twisted in him, like Loki was looking _into_ him.

They finished their coffee in silence.

When they were done Loki took him around the whole gallery. The colours merged together and the whole place had the smell of rusted paint. They left early.

They missed the last tube and got one bus, walking the rest of the way, sharing Thor's last cigarette and laughing about art snobs. They left the umbrella at the gallery. By the time they reached Loki's flat they were soaked through and frozen. They dumped their coats on the radiator, but they were still wet.

"Do you want anything to eat?" Thor asked, yanking his t-shirt over his head and kicking off his boots.

"No," Loki replied, falling in an attempt to peel off his jeans. Thor spun round at the sound of his brother thudding on the floor, but he chuckled at the sight of Loki; dripping hair splayed all over the place, top in a half-on half-off position, head thrown back in silent laughter. Thor dropped to his knees and tugged the jeans off the ends of Loki's feet, chucking them to the side. He slipped out of his own jeans with ten times more ease. They lay there catching their breath for a moment. Then Loki fixed Thor with the same look he had in the gallery café and Thor caught his eyes and without words, Loki stood, taking Thor's hand and leading him in to the bedroom.

Loki pulled off his t-shirt and let it fall to the floor. He stood on tiptoes and pressed his body up against Thor's, cold, tacky with moisture, and he kissed him gently. Thor responded immediately, moving his lips against Loki's, slipping his tongue past them into his hot mouth. Loki moaned softly, guiding Thor to the bed. They collapsed on it, Loki on top of Thor, still kissing. Thor could feel Loki was hard against his own erection, and moved his hands down, slipping his thumbs under the elastic of Loki's boxers.

Loki broke the kiss to allow Thor to pull them down and he wrestled Thor out of his underwear, gasping at the touch when he lowered his hips again. Thor breathlessly kissed him again, gripping those bony hips, enough to bruise, and turned them over so it was him straddling Loki.

Loki doesn't talk in bed. Thor knows from only a couple of times' experience that he speaks with his eyes; pleading and controlling at the same time.

Thor kisses his collarbone; hands roaming over his chest, ghosting in between his legs, making him buck upwards. Thor loves Loki like this. He loses his mask of calm and comes undone, writhing, breath catching in his throat as his Adam's apple shifts in the column of his neck.

He kissed lower and lower until his lips were on Loki's abdomen. Teasing, he lifted his head and moved back up Loki's body. Loki made a growling noise at the back of his throat which made Thor smile in amusement. Loki reached upwards with spindly arms and fingers and grabbed a handful of Thor's hair, pulling his lips down for another kiss. Thor could taste the desperation on his tongue and he moved his hips down, grinding on Loki, making him gasp in pleasure and shock. He pulled away from Loki's lips and gave him a look, a silent question. Loki replied with the smallest of nods, and Thor slid two of his fingers into Loki's mouth. Loki smiled slightly as his tongue curled obscenely over the digits and Thor felt his chest tighten with arousal, and he took his fingers from Loki's mouth when they were slick with saliva, trailed them all the way down his lean, pale body and slowly pushed a single finger inside Loki's entrance.

Loki arched up with a groan, hands flying to Thor's shoulders for something, _anything_, to hold on to.

"Thor-" it was the faintest whisper, easily mistaken for a breath had Thor not heard it before.

"Brother," Thor murmured. Loki whined quietly and Thor carefully slipped another digit inside of him. Loki wriggled under Thor's touch, screaming and jerking his hips as Thor curled his fingers ever so slightly. "What do you want?" Thor hissed, lips brushing against Loki's ear. "What do you want?"

"Thor," Loki gasped, louder this time.

"What?" Thor breathed, twisting his fingers fractionally.

"_**Jesus**_, fuck me," Loki cried out.

Thor smiled and pulled his fingers out. Loki let slip an involuntary whimper at the loss, but Thor had slicked himself and was pushing back into Loki minutes later.

Loki was hot and tight around Thor's cock and Thor groaned, holding still for what seemed an eternity. Loki dug his nails into his brother's shoulder blades and squeezed. Thor started to thrust, slowly at first, but he gained rhythm and Loki squirmed against the sensation of Thor inside him, and Thor's abdomen rubbing against his own cock. Thor took Loki's hard length in one of his hands and began to stroke him as he thrusted, making Loki writhe and moan beneath him. He felt a shudder travel down his spine and he clenched down on Thor and Thor's breath hitched, his movements became erratic and rough, and Loki bit his lip.

"_God_, Thor-" he gasped and Thor pushed his hips up harder, his dick hitting the sensitive furl of nerves inside Loki, and Loki spilled onto Thor's hand with a strangled yell. Thor thrust into him a couple more times, the smaller man shuddering around him and he came, loudly, biting down on Loki's shoulder.

He pulled out and collapsed onto his brother, their bodies slick and sticky; chests heaving. Thor rolled on to his back and they lay in silence, sweat cooling on their skin. Loki turned his head, black hair damp and waving around his face and he placed a kiss to the top of Thor's arm, letting his eyelids flutter shut. Thor watched him for a while. The world outside had grown darker, rain still pounding on the windows.

"Loki," he whispered eventually. He smiled softly when he received no reply and closed his eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: This chapter contains brief talk of messy eating patters and drunk hipsters. _

* * *

"I don't know, just try, okay? He needs you. No, obviously he didn't say that, but that doesn't matter, does it?" Thor pinched the bridge of his nose, letting his hair fall in front of his closed eyes as he ducked his head in exasperation. He stood on the tiny balcony of Loki's flat- his brother still sleeping. The air was freezing against the thin material of the sheet wrapped around his bare body. He held his mobile to his ear; hand trembling with the cold. "Look, you have to admit you were a dick," he said into the receiver. "Oh come on; you practically degraded him whilst he was standing on the edge of that fucking bridge! No, okay, he's not eating- yeah, I know, but even less now. Don't give me that crap, I know he can fend for himself, but it would be real sweet if you could actually start to act like you're worried about your own fucking son, as well as me."

"Thor?"

Thor turned to see Loki rounding the corner out of his door, arms hugging his naked torso against the cool air from the balcony doors.

"I have to go, but think about it, okay?" he snapped his phone shut and spun round to smile at Loki. He stepped down from the balcony and shut it's doors, stepping forward to envelop his sibling's narrow body in his arms.

"Who was that?" Loki asked into Thor's chest.

"Darcy," Thor said and felt a pang of guilt tug at his insides. "Do you wanna go see them?"

Loki shrugged against him. Since moving to London he hadn't spoken to anyone he really knew, but he'd never really had any problems with them. Darcy was sweet and he did miss her a little, and the others were Thor's friends and had always acted civil towards Loki; although Loki knew they'd never entirely warmed to his presence.

"Sure," he said, pulling out of Thor's embrace. "But not today. I don't feel like doing anything today." Thor's brow creased. Loki smiled at him, kissing his cheek. "You can, don't let me stop you. I just want to stay in bed; it's freezing."

Thor nodded. "Okay, that's okay. She's having a get-together at Jane's with some of her friends next week."

Loki smiled politely and said, "Sounds nice," and turned on his heel and walked sleepily back into the bedroom. Thor bit his lip and strolled into the kitchen, a frown still playing on his face.

* * *

The night after that, they tried to cook for themselves. They went down to Lidl, their favourite haunt, the Indian man at the first counter smiling at them like he always did, and they bought a huge pack of spaghetti, a pack of vegetarian mince, a tub of parmesan- "Let's get some proper parmesan." "You don't have a cheese grater." "Fine, we'll get the cheap shakey shit. Just trying to be posh,"- and three bottles of Jose Cuervo.

The kitchen looked like a disaster when they were less than halfway through; more content on tipsily dancing to Loki's new SNOWMINE CD than making dinner. They cooked the spaghetti just fine, except for the fact that they cooked way too much and Loki suggested starting on the alcohol so they were halfway to pissed by the time they remembered about the mince.

"Oh shit," Loki said, laughing as he dragged the packet from the freezer. "Do you think we were meant to put this in?"

Thor snorted and stumbled over the ladle he dropped earlier. He grabbed onto Loki before he fell. "Maybe, like, an hour ago?"

"Oh," Loki said, holding back another fit of laughter. "Well, we have the spaghetti."

Thor looked at the saucepan of stringy pasta and it might as well have been a cauldron for how much there was. He took a long piece and draped it over his top lip like a moustache. Loki fucking giggled and snatched it off Thor, popping one end in his mouth. Thor grabbed the other end and copied Loki. He nibbled along it until he met Loki's lips and kissed him messily. Loki grinned into the kiss and batted him away.

"The fuck are you doing?" he squealed breathily.

"Lady and the Tramp, you know?" Loki rolled his eyes and picked up the now-light bottle of tequila.

"Yeah, well you're the tramp," he said, taking a swig, finishing it and pushing his lips back against his brother's, his tongue sliding past Thor's teeth, demanding. Thor stretched his arms out either side of Loki, reaching for the kitchen counter behind. Loki snaked a hand up Thor's t-shirt, running slender fingers over the toned muscle of his stomach as they kissed. A familiar, heady sensation was dawning on him and absently he registered the fact that he was probably more than a little tipsy, by now. He pulled his face away after a minute or so, waving the empty bottle in front of Thor's face.

"Where did you put the other bottles?" he asked. Thor didn't move from his caging position, but patted around blindly on the counter behind Loki until he reached the carrier bag, sticking his hand inside and bringing out the second lot of tequila.

Their meal was soon forgotten when they found themselves sliding down the counter, laughing and making out on the floor.

* * *

When they get to Jane's place Thor made a beeline for Jane and took her in his huge arms. Loki shifted awkwardly, eyes flicking from left to right until they found Darcy sat next to someone Loki had never seen before. He smiled when she spotted him.

"Loki!" She leapt up and rushed towards him. He grinned at her and hugged her hard.

"Hey."

"How are you?" Darcy asked, pulling back and running her eyes over Loki's form.

"I'm well," Loki said simply. "What about you?"

"I'm great. Sif and that lot are here, have you seen them?"

Loki shook his head, but as he did he spied Fandral and Hogun talking by the punchbowl. He smiled tightly and turned to see Thor still chatting with Jane. They were sat together on a low sofa, Jane curling her hair between her fingers and batting her eyelashes. Thor seemed oblivious, as always, but something still snagged at Loki when he saw them.

He didn't talk to Thor until later.

When the hubbub had died down and the people had filtered out, they settled down for dinner. Sif, Jane, Darcy, Fandral, Hogun, Volstagg, Thor and Loki. Loki sat between Sif and Thor, and at one point Thor searched for his hand under the table. Loki pulled it out of his reach and Thor frowned, a hurt expression flashing across his face. Loki didn't look at him until Jane came out with the food.

"Spaghetti bolognaise- vegetarian for you two," she said, looking at Thor and Loki. "I hope that's okay for everyone."

Then, Loki looked up and caught Thor's eyes, and neither of them could help smiling the sort of smiles that hold back laughter. The atmosphere was light while they ate. They chatted and smiled and they all got on. Loki said little, but Loki always said little. What annoyed him was the fleeting glances of concern Thor kept throwing his way. He nearly leant over and whispered 'I'm not a fucking drowning _kitten'_, but he decided better of it.

Afterwards, the conversation turned to memories.

"So, Darcy," Sif said. "We haven't met any men of yours for a while-"

"Yes, I'm gay," Darcy cut her off and they all laughed, including Loki. "_Please_, I don't have time for men. I'm too busy babysitting for Fury."

"So he's not rocking your boat?" Loki spoke up and Darcy almost spat out a mouthful of wine.

"Oh my God, no," she gasped through hysterical laughter. Sif narrowed her eyes playfully.

"What about you and Loki?"

"_What_?" Loki and Darcy said simultaneously.

"Well didn't you guys…?"

Darcy waved her hands frantically out in front of her and shook her head. "No, no, no, no. That was, what, two years ago? And we were drunk. And there was no sex."

Loki had gone bright pink and was hiding his face in his hands, saying, "I hardly remember that," over and over. Thor was laughing and clapping him on the back.

"I hate you, Sif," Loki muttered and Sif smiled, giving him a peck on the cheek.

"No you don't; you love me," she said and Loki smiled back, shrugging.

The talk shifted to Thor and Jane, and Loki tuned out, eyes flicking down to his barely-touched plate. He picked up his wine and downed it in about five seconds, closing his eyes and resting his head on his hand.

When Thor got up to clear the table, he immediately leapt to his feet to help. Darcy and Jane followed, whispering and giggling to themselves.

"What's with him?" Fandral asked when they were out of earshot, in a hushed voice nonetheless.

"Who?" Sif asked.

"Loki."

"He's changed," Hogun observed. "He's quieter." Something about the way he said it didn't sound sympathetic in the least bit and Sif flushed with a sense of defensiveness.

"Like you ever spoke to him before he… before," she snapped. "He's a nice guy. So what if he's quiet?"

Fandral laughed. "He's weird, Sif."

"Do you see the way he looks at Thor?" Volstagg supplied helpfully.

"Thor's his best friend," Sif argued. Fandral snorted.

"Why are you so obsessed, anyway? Got a crush on Mr _Ergi_?"

"Don't be a cunt."

The blond man held out his hands, eyes widening. "Woah, calm down! Do you not remember what he did to your hair? He's strange, Sif. He's a strange guy who has major daddy issues and probably takes them out by jacking off over his brother and sticking two fingers down his throat after every m-"

A sharp slap dealt by Sif silenced Fandral and he sat there, cheek tingling, shock etched into every crease in his face.

"Oh, don't look like you weren't asking for that," she spat, pushing her chair back and getting up, heading towards the kitchen, seething.

When she reached the kitchen it was only Thor, Darcy and Jane having a quiet talk about nothing in particular.

"Sif," Thor greeted her with a smile. "Is everything alright?"

Sif took a breath and shook her head, returning the smile. "Everything's fine," she said. "Where is Loki?"

"He went to the bathroom," Thor said, and Sif tried not to cringe at the thought of Fandral's comments.

* * *

FROM YOU  
TO: DAD  
SENT: 04-10-12  
Stop fucking him over. Just talk to him.

FROM DAD  
TO: YOU  
RECIEVED: 04-10-12  
Where

FROM YOU  
TO: DAD  
SENT: 04-10-12  
Next Thursday, the World's End?

FROM DAD  
TO: YOU  
RECEIVED: 05-10-12  
Fine.

* * *

_A/N: Yep yep Odin makes a star appearance next chapter. Sneaky Thor and his texting…_


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: Sorry this took a while, folks! A star appearance from Odin in this chapter, woot woot._

* * *

Loki awoke far before Thor, one leg and half his torso crushed under his brother's sleeping body. Loki rubbed his eyes and tried to prize himself free but Thor just grunted and rolled towards him, trapping the smaller man further. Loki huffed and slumped back onto the mattress. His head hurt.

"Thor," he hissed. Thor stirred, but did not wake. Loki groaned. "Thor," he repeated, louder this time. When he gained no response he sighed and kicked Thor with his free leg channelling as much strength as he had first thing in the morning into the action. Thor's eyes snapped open the split second before he tumbled off the bed with a startled yelp. Loki winced at the sound of Thor thudding against the hard floorboards and shot him an apologetic glance when his head re-emerged from the other side of the bed, a shocked and bewildered expression on his face.

"Sorry," Loki muttered, swinging his legs round, bringing his toes to touch the cool floor. Thor scrambled to his feet and padded round to sit by Loki. Loki had his eyes closed and his head in his hands but he felt the bedsprings dip under Thor's weight and he could feel his stare.

"Loki?" Thor's voice was quiet and laced with a level of concern which, for some reason, annoyed Loki a little. "Are you ill?"

Loki shook his head and stood shakily, heading for the kitchen without another word. Thor bit his lip and prayed that things would change. That day could not afford to be a bad day.

* * *

Thor had never shared Loki's intelligence. In school, Loki would do his maths work and help him on tests until they were split into different classes. Loki was the one with straight A's.

Although, when Thor thought back, Loki was the one who got into the most trouble when they were boys. He was like a magnet to mischief. Despite Thor's teen-boy arrogance and rowdiness- neither of which seemed present in Loki- Loki would be the one coming out of the headmaster's office with a week's worth of detentions and a smirk on his angular face.

Once, he'd been suspended.

Odin and Frigga had been called in and spent over two hours with a smarmy teacher, talking sternly about the 'thin line between harmless jokes and malicious schemes'. Thor never knew what it was that Loki had done, only that his brother was condemned to two weeks at home doing assigned work and wearing that smirk with secret pride.

Thor had never shared Loki's intelligence, but he wasn't stupid. Far from it. He knew how things worked; how _Loki_ worked. He left him alone until midday, and sure enough, Loki was smiling and talking as normal, clad in skinny black jeans and a baggy Vinyl Jacket t-shirt. The bottom hem was coming unstitched a little, threads hanging. His hair was messily tied back, too short for much of it to stay in it's tie- an elastic band- and jet strands hung in front of his face. A hand-rolled cigarette balanced between his lips as he practically danced around the kitchen, flicking on the kettle.

"Coffee?" he asked and Thor smirked.

"Please tell me you're not having any," he laughed. "What's gotten into you?"

Loki took the rollup between two fingers and tiptoed up so his face was mere centimetres from Thor's, hands on his brother's shoulders. He smiled lopsidedly, whispering, "_This isn't tobacco_," and kissed him. The kiss was full of smoke and when Thor inhaled the fumes hit the back of his mind and he blinked, dizzy. He pulled back and coughed a little. He could smell it now, sweet and earthy and thick. He spied the half-eaten, untoasted Pop-Tart on the counter behind Loki.

"They're mine," he said, sliding by his brother and snatching it up. "And you hate them."

Loki shrugged. "Hungry."

Thor smiled and rolled his eyes. "Of course. Listen, we're going out later, so-"

"Don't worry," Loki said and his face was straight. He shrugged again. "We don't have enough money for more than one, if you haven't noticed. I could drive like this."

"Please don't."

Loki laughed.

* * *

The bus journey felt like years. Thor swam in his thoughts, watching idly as London flew by the window.

FROM YOU  
TO: DAD  
SENT: 07-10-12  
On our way.

"Are you alright?" Loki asked and Thor frowned. "You look tense."

"I'm fine," Thor said, relaxing his face and forcing a smile. "You smell like a Dutch greenhouse. It's giving me a headache, that's all."

Loki smiled back.

"You're getting quicker with your wit, brother," he remarked. "One might think you'll end up getting carried away with that tongue."

"You're rubbing off on me," Thor replied.

The World's End was a beautiful old pub sitting on the corner of Camden High Street. Thor pushed open the doors and the scent of beer and mustiness and chat hit them like a warm wave. People were mingling the way people do at bars; just figures with mouths that talk in hushed, melodic tones in a low hubbub of noise, but none of it quelled the pounding of Thor's heart in his ears or the butterflies in iron boots dancing in his stomach.

The further and further they walked into the pub, the more and more Thor regretted this whole plan. Loki's fingers were entwined in his, his hand cold.

Thor's heart leapt to his mouth and down to his shoes when he felt a strong hand curl over his right shoulder. He spun round, and Loki spun round, and all colour drained from his face.

Odin stood a couple of inches below his sons, but as imperious as ever, silver hair swept from his face, his one eye bright and fixed on his golden child. His suit was charcoal and perfectly pressed. He looked utterly out of place.

Loki looked shell-shocked, his lips moving fractionally, trying to form words that didn't come. He looked as though he'd been stung.

"Father," Thor said stiffly. Odin smiled a tight smile.

"Thor," he replied. His eye flicked to Loki and Loki schooled his expression into one of hard, unrelenting contempt. His voice wasn't so strong, and when he spoke the words passed his lips in a strangled whisper.

"Why are you here?"

"I think… there are some things we should… discuss-"

"How did you know we were here?"

Within the space of a split second Odin had looked at Thor and Thor had looked at the ground before anxiously looking up at his brother. Loki missed none of it and his jaw dropped. He stared, eyes widening in disbelief. He searched Thor's face for any sign of denial, any sign that he hadn't brought him to Odin. Slowly, he began to shake his head.

"No," he breathed. _Thor wouldn't._ "You wouldn't." Thor averted his gaze and Loki felt sick. "Thor?" his voice slipped an octave higher as he clung to the desperate wish that this wasn't happening.

"I'm sorry," Thor whispered and the wish disintegrated into ash. Loki's lip curled in disgust and he shook his head again. "Loki, please just-"

Loki's eyes filled with tears he was determined not to shed here, and not now. Not in front of _him_. He feared if he attempted to speak he would make a fool of himself by letting his mouth spill the mess that was his mind, so he simply threw the two other men the dirtiest looks he could muster. Thor reached for his hand but Loki snatched it away, turning on his heel and running from the pub, running from the street in which it sat, running until his legs felt as though they would give.

* * *

It was quickly growing dark. Thor had leapt in the nearest taxi, bidding his father goodbye after some short awkward words, hurrying the driver frantically until he'd reached the building of Loki's apartment. The door was unlocked. Thor walked quietly through the hallway. It was cold, the open window blowing a soft breeze through the flat, the moonlight colouring the walls a dappled blue. Thor stepped into the bedroom to see Loki sat on the bed, head bowed, fiddling with the ends of his shirt. He looked up through thick eyelashes and his eyes were dead and frozen.

"Loki-" Thor started but Loki was already on his feet and pushing past him.

"Don't, Thor," he spat and Thor grabbed his arm. Loki turned.

"What?" he snapped. "What could you possibly want from me?"

"I was trying to help."

"In what way was that helping?" Loki let go of his train of thought, his tone no longer betraying his mind-set. His voice was thin and high and cracking and he didn't care. He wanted Thor so see how he'd hurt him. Angry tears slid down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Loki, I swear, I didn't-"

"You didn't _think_, Thor!" Loki pulled his arm away from Thor's grip and purposefully knocked his shoulder as he stormed into the kitchen. Thor sighed and followed.

"You can't run from this forever."

"Maybe not, Thor, but I would've faced him on _my terms_, in _my time_. And it's hardly like either of us needed this, okay, he is done with me and I him. I am not his blood. Why would he give a fuck about where I am, or how I am? He clearly didn't give a fuck when I was about to jump from that bridge-"

"Loki, don't…" Thor ran a hand through his hair and Loki fixed him with a cocky stare, arms folded. He leant one hip against a countertop.

"Why?" he hissed. "Are you uncomfortable with the fact that our 'father'," he made quotation symbols in the air with his fingers and Thor looked away in something akin to frustration, "is actually pretty fucking useless? That he didn't even flinch when his so-called-son-"

"I don't like the fact that I almost lost you!" Thor yelled, clasping his brother's narrow shoulders and shaking him. "_I_ gave a fuck, Loki! I _give_ a fuck, okay?"

"Then why did you have to bring him back into my life?" Loki asked in a low whisper. Thor offered no answer and Loki laughed scornfully, more tears falling. "You know, maybe you'd be better off playing happy families with _him_ instead of staying around here for whatever… whatever this is."

Thor blinked. "I'm here because I care about you."

Loki looked into his eyes for an age until he blurred and Loki's breathing began to come in harsh sobs.

"I hate you," he whispered, but there was no energy behind it any more. He didn't protest when Thor ran the back of his hand up one of his arms. He didn't protest when Thor's hand moved to his face, tilted his chin upward to look at him. His eyes were red-rimmed and glistening. Thor kissed his cheek and Loki felt nothing. He felt hollow. Thor paused, considering, then he kissed Loki's lips and Loki stood motionless for a few moments. Maybe even a few minutes. Then he snapped, pushing Thor back with such force that he crashed into the wall behind.

"_Fuck you, Thor_!" Loki screamed "You can't just- just-"

"Loki, I'm sorry," Thor begged as Loki quickly made his way to the door, tugging his boots on and roughly tying the laces in a haphazard fashion. "Loki, where are you going?" he reached out for him, but Loki's glare stopped him.

"Don't," he said. "Do not touch me."

Thor made a final plea without words. For a second, Loki's eyes met his and Thor thought he might stay. But instead he opened the door and left, slamming it behind him. Thor stared at the space in which his brother had just been before thudding back against the hallway's wall, sliding down it and releasing the tenuous grip he held on his composure.

* * *

_A/N: The next chapter is the penultimate one and things get a little scary..._

_Thank you for the reviews so far, by the way! I read and appreciate them all! x_


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: Sheesh sorry this has been at least a week AGAIN. Dear me._

_Thank you so much for all the reviews! You are all fabulous and I love you._

_This chapter contains scary use of drugs._

* * *

Thor waited for hours. He paced the apartment and checked his phone every five minutes. He called Loki four times until he decided that maybe space was the best thing. He rolled a couple of strands of his long, blonde hair between his thumb and forefinger until they were a backcombed mess. He shoved one of the vegetarian lasagnes in the microwave and slumped down on the sofa with it and an unopened bottle of vodka, but he couldn't bring himself to eat it. Instead he drank a third of the alcohol, lit a cigarette and turned on the tv. It was an ancient thing; a small black box, clumpy, with a glass screen. It only had five channels, so they mostly stuck to Loki's extensive DVD collection. Thor kept telling Loki to get a new one, but Loki liked living in the past. Most of the films he owned were black and white. Or French.

Thor stopped flicking through DVD cases and, through the misery of the evening, he suddenly thought; Loki was coming back. It wasn't a wish, it was a fact. This was Loki's apartment, and although he never was one to dwell on material value, Thor knew Loki wouldn't leave behind his stuff. He wouldn't leave behind his films, or the TPWLYST CD he'd burned last week, or all of his shirts. _Hell_, Loki loved this place. It was home to him, and Thor knew how hard it must have been for his brother to find _home_ again.

He would just have to wait.

And so he did. He drank and he watched _Le Serpent_ and let the room fill with smoke and he anxiously checked his mobile every so often until he eventually fell asleep.

* * *

There was a thud in the flat and Thor jerked awake. It was pitch black except for the static crackle of the tv which was still on, and the night-lights of London twinkling through the windows. Someone was moving around the kitchen. Thor sat up, rubbing sleep from his eyes. His back hurt from where he'd dozed off on the sunken sofa. He scrambled for the remote in the darkness, knocking over the bottle of vodka before he found it. He turned off the tv and leapt to his feet, walking blindly until he reached the door and switched on the hallway light.

The movement in the kitchen had stopped. Thor chewed on his lip and slowly padded into the kitchen and flicked the light switch.

Loki was huddled in the corner between two cupboards on the floor. His face was pressed into his arms which were hugging his knees. Thor hesitated, breath catching. He edged toward his brother with gentle steps, crouching down beside him. Loki didn't acknowledge him. He was shaking violently as though he was freezing, but when Thor tentatively touched his arm, his skin was hot. He was practically hyperventilating. Thor felt his stomach twist in panic.

"Loki, what has happened?" he murmured. He placed a hand on one of Loki's submerged cheeks, softly coaxing his face upwards. His other hand clasped one of his brother's shaking wrists and he ran the pad of his thumb over Loki's pulse point in an attempt to calm him. His heartbeat was like a bird's under Thor's fingertip; too quick and fragile. Loki's eyes were half lidded and glazed over; pupils so blown his irises were nearly swallowed by black. His lips were slightly parted. Thor frowned hard in an attempt to hide his alarm.

"Loki," he hissed, halfway between anger and sheer terror, but he kept his voice low, as though he were speaking to a frightened animal. "What the fuck have you done? Can you hear me?"

Loki gulped and shut his eyes tightly. After a long moment he nodded. Thor let the tiniest bit of relief flash across his mind but he shut it out before it clouded his ability to think straight, which was wavering anyway.

"Look at me, brother."

Time passed- maybe only seconds- and finally Loki's eyelids fluttered back open. His eyes moved sluggishly from left to right before settling with an unfocussed gaze on Thor's face. He was as white as a sheet, and Thor subtly shifted around to his side, lest he vomit on him. When he spoke, his voice was grating and broken and so quiet Thor almost didn't hear him.

"I took something."

Thor nodded. That much was evident. "Okay," he said in the most relaxed tone he could manage. "It's okay. What did you take?"

Loki shut his eyes once more and shook his head lazily from side to side. "I don't know," he breathed. "I don't know, I don'tknowIdon't… knowI…"

Thor nodded stiffly, keeping one hand on Loki's and slipping Loki's mobile from his brother's shirt pocket. He was shaking so much now he was almost convulsing. His panting had subsided, however; breathing shallow and irregular. Thor kept glancing at his chest to make sure it was still moving. He punched in 999 to the keypad of Loki's phone and demanded an ambulance.

"My- flatmate," he said awkwardly. "He's overdosed. I don't know. Yeah, he's conscious, kind of. He's out of it. I don't know- shaking. Has he what?" what the fuck was emesis? "Um, no. Okay."

He hastily told the woman on the end of the line their address and told them to hurry, dropping the phone to the floor without hanging up.

"Thor?" Loki whispered without opening his eyes. Thor squeezed his hand.

"Yes?"

"I can't… feel my fingertips."

Thor swallowed and swiftly brushed away the wetness on his cheeks. "You'll be okay."

"Thor?"

"Yes?"

Loki didn't reply then, his lips vaguely moving still to what looked like 'sorry' but no sound came out. Thor pulled him close as he trembled, wrapping an arm around his narrow frame and stroked his hair. Thor closed his eyes and leant his head against Loki's shoulders and listened for the sound of sirens.

* * *

_A/N: sigh last chapter is the next one._


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: this is it. Blimey I'm sorry it's taken a while! My computer hates this website, seriously and it just wouldn't upload.  
_

Thor was the one who threw up in the ambulance.

By the time it got to the flat and by the time the paramedics had taken him from Thor's arms, Loki was completely unconscious and Thor couldn't shake the overwhelming fear that he wouldn't wake up again.

They threw questions at him and made his head spin.

"What's his name?"

"Loki."

"Last name."

"I… Odinson."

"Is he allergic to anything?"

"He's a vegetarian."

"How old is he? Does he have a history of drug abuse? Do you know his blood type? What is your relation to him? Is there anyone to call?"

They wheeled his brother away on a stretcher and Thor had to stop outside the hospital. He couldn't go in. Not for a minute, anyway. He lit a cigarette with violently shaking hands and closed his eyes, crouching down and curling up outside the doors, gulping deep lungfulls of smoke and cold night air. He tugged his fingers through his hair and put out the cigarette after five drags. When he stood the world tilted and he staggered, turning and retching again. He spat onto the concrete and leant against the wall for a long moment before heading inside.

A short, plump, ginger woman sat at the reception desk and stood hastily as Thor began to storm past her.

"Excuse, mister, may I help?" she had a squeaky voice.

Thor stopped, and for the first time he allowed himself to think. Where had they taken Loki? How the fuck would he know?

"Uh, yes, thank you," he breathed. "My… friend. I just came with him in, uh, the ambulance. Drugs… or, uh,"

The squat lady was frowning at him.

"Mister, I think you need to sit down. I can get someone to come see you-"

"No, I really need to find Loki," Thor demanded and his voice sounded ten times stronger than he felt.

"Are you sure?"

"Please."

The woman gave him a lingering look before something like understanding settled in her piggy eyes. She sat back down and looked to the monitor of a computer in front of her.

"You've just come with him, yes?"

"Yes."

"Are you the only person who came with him?"

"Yes."

"Alright, then he won't be on the base yet. What state was he in?"

"What?" Thor blinked.

"Was he conscious?"

"No. He was… they said he was… crashing, I don't know what that means, please, I really need to find him."

"I can make a call to the ICU, but if he's there, which, if he was crashing, he probably will be, then you'll have to wait."

"Wait, what, I'm sorry, I don't- I don't really know what you're saying."

The woman sighed and leant forward. Her apologetic look wasn't entirely hiding a level of exasperation. "If your friend is in danger then you will have to wait until the doctors get him out of danger. Now, was your friend in danger?"

"Yes," Thor said and it sounded a bit more aggressive than intended.

"Well then, I am afraid you will just have to wait. I can get an orderly to take you up to the ICU waiting room, if you would like."

* * *

He looked so small. The stark white sheets and crisp, baggy gown made the bruises under his eyes and shadows in his cheeks more pronounced. A thin, clear tube was taped under his nose, feeding fluids right to his stomach. They'd wanted to keep him in for at least three days after he woke up, and they didn't know when he was going to wake up.

Thor clasped at his narrow fingers with his own, stroking them with his thumb, careful not to knock the IV in the back of Loki's hand. Two of his knuckles were marked with two tiny cuts.

The doctor said he'd overdosed on an amount of dirty cocaine that was lethal to most, but Loki was underweight and unstable, and had never exactly taken care of his body, or taken any regard to what he'd put in it before.

They'd been in the hospital for almost 24 hours and Loki hadn't stirred. The doctors assured Thor that he would, that he was in the clear and that mostly it just took time, but that hadn't stopped Thor from chewing his nails to stubs. Three times he'd nearly been chucked out for hanging his head out of the window with a cigarette in his mouth.

"Sir, you have to go outside for that, I'm sure you know."

"I can't leave him."

"Then please stop smoking."

"I can't relax."

"Then smoke outside."

"I can't leave him."

* * *

When Loki woke up he didn't look at Thor. He stared straight at the ceiling, chest rising and falling steadily. After a few minutes his eyes drifted closed and he fell back into a deep sleep. Thor didn't notice when he'd woken up again until he whispered.

"I'm sorry."

Thor's head snapped up from where he'd been dozing, face pressed into his forearm, and he looked at Loki who was looking at him. His green eyes shone with tears. Thor shook his head and placed a gentle kiss atop of the bridge of Loki's nose.

"Don't be," he said.

Loki smiled weakly.

"Loki, can I go back to the flat and get some things?"

Loki nodded. "Of course," his voice was like sandpaper. "You'll come back, though?"

"I promise."

* * *

The next time Loki opened his eyes his head felt considerably less like a car crash. Thor was sat at the end of his bed reading a battered copy of Shadow Of The Wind.

"That's mine," Loki said, propping himself up with his elbows until he was sat comfortably. Thor looked up and grinned.

"You stole it from me," he said, placing it face-down on the bed, pages splayed, picking up a backpack and passing it to his brother. "I got you some shit. Thought you might get bored."

Loki smiled softly and thankfully, unzipping the bag and rifling through it. In it was his iPod, pyjama trousers, his oversized Neutral Milk Hotel t-shirt, three apples, Girl, Interrupted, a DVD copy of Pulp Fiction and a half-empty bottle of vodka.

"Liquid breakfast, nice touch."

Thor laughed. "That's what your feeding tube's for. Anyway, that's just water; I couldn't find another bottle."

Loki chewed the inside of his cheek in vague annoyance. "Mm. When do I get this thing out anyway? It hurts my throat."

Thor shrugged. "Soon, I guess. It was just because they didn't know how long you'd be unconscious."

Loki nodded and neither of them said anything after that. An awkward silence descended and Loki began twiddling with the edges of his gown. . His fingers were white and long and thin, like branches. Remains of black nail polish dotted his nails in tiny patches.

"Loki," Thor said finally and his voice was heavy. "I'm sorry."

Loki just nodded. He didn't look up.

"I was stupid," Thor continued. "Really, fucking stupid. I don't know what made me… I don't know what I was thinking. I should have asked you, and I shouldn't have gone behind your back, and I'm sorry I fucked it all up. I am sorry."

Loki nodded again. He didn't say anything but he raised his eyes and looked into Thor's. It was an unnerving quality he possessed. Like the day at the gallery, which seemed years ago, he pierced Thor's shields and tore off his mask. Thor couldn't hide from it. But he knew that it was Loki's way of saying that things would probably be okay.

"I know you are," Loki eventually replied.

* * *

On the fourth day, Thor and Loki went back to the flat, despite the doctors' warnings and threats and determination to put Loki on a psych ward.

"Bullshit," Thor had said. Emotional instability, one suicide attempt and a cocaine overdose didn't mean Loki was crazy. As soon as they got the medical OK-GO they were clambering into the back of a taxi and hailing for Soho, pulling faces at the nurses out the back windows. Thor wrapped an arm around Loki's waist in an attempt to help him up the stairs of the apartment block but Loki shrugged him off, strolling up his flat like he hadn't just spent half a week in intensive care.

"You didn't do it on purpose, did you?" Thor said later that evening over a mouthful of spaghetti. Loki blinked.

"What?"

"You know... the drugs."

Loki shook his head, face straight. "No, Thor. I did not do it on purpose."

Thor kept on looking at him with a kicked-puppy expression. Loki abandoned his pasta and, without another word, left the room.

Thor joined him half an hour later, slumping down on the sofa. Silently, Loki rearranged himself so he was lying back against Thor, dragging his brother's arms around so they enveloped him. He pressed his face against his chest and kissed his t-shirt.

"I didn't do it on purpose," he repeated quietly. "I wouldn't do that to you again."

"But after what I did-"

Loki wriggled around so he was laid with his front against Thor's front. He stopped him with a gentle kiss.

"I still wouldn't have," Loki said, kissing him again, curling up against him and closing his eyes. "I'm going to be here for a while."

Thor didn't say anything. He didn't know what to say. But as Loki slipped his skinny fingers between the spaces of Thor's, it didn't matter what either of them said any more. Thor could feel Loki breathing, could feel his bird-heart through his ribs and the pulse in his wrists. That, in itself, was enough.

* * *

_Super long a/n: Um a couple of notes on some of Loki's fabulousness; musicians mentioned are Bon Iver, Snowmine, and Vinyl Jacket. They are all amazing. 28 Days Later is mentioned as his favourite film and it's one of my favourites, seriously. Places mentioned are all in London, mostly Soho and Camden, both of which are lovely yet bizarre places. Take a day trip to them, but don't get caught there at night. Also, the World's End pub is a real pub in Camden and it's one of my favourite places in the world. Two last interesting things; Loki's flat layout, in my mind, is based on my cousin's gorgeous tiny flat in Pimlico, another lovely place in London. And before I came up with 'Saudade' I was despairing over what to call this whole thing whilst watching e4 and nearly called it 2 Broke Boys. Thank God for my Portuguese friends. _

_Well, that's it. I'm really shocked with how many people have told me how much they've loved this fic, I am so glad it's had a good response and I really love every one of you who have read it! I hope you like how it ends._

_uh, I don't have plans for a sequel or anything… of course not_

_*ehehehe…..*_


End file.
